What can I say, friends. Words fail me for the sudden disappearing act I did all these months. And yet, I know – I fully know – I owe each one of you an explanation. A genuine explanation for why I almost abandoned this space. One week of no-blogging dragged on for weeks, and weeks into months. It never felt right. And yet, I did it. I was carrying a big burden on my chest for not talking to you and yet I didn’t speak a word. Ungrateful is a word or a trait that’s just not me and yet by not communicating with you to let you know about my whereabouts, I’ve not exactly conveyed my gratitude to you for being the loving and supportive readers that you are.
Today, after four months, I have an overwhelming feeling to open up my heart before you. I hope you’ll give me a patient hearing for I wish to reconnect with you like never before….
Once I fell into this trap of “I’ll write next day/next week…”, it seemed I was moving farther and farther away from my writing muse. The frequent traveling (for family functions) in between didn’t help my case either. Each time I would go – “Oh, why don’t I come back from this trip and start all over again…”. But in between all the un-packing, unwinding and repacking for the next major trip+family-function I could never get into my writing groove. Well, however much I love traveling, I dread weddings and functions for the sheer pre-work involved. All that shopping and making arrangement for sarees and jewelry and footwear. You know how Indian weddings are – rows of ceremonies and rituals! Well, if North Indian weddings are lavish, South Indian weddings are packed with religious rituals. There’s a ritual (puja) at every turn of the clock and you’ve got to deck yourself up (in minutes) in the resplendent Kanjeevarams enhanced by shimmering gold jewelry. Whoa, man. Lesser said the better!
And yet, would you believe me – I dodged every bit of shopping still managing to put together all my ensembles by borrowing from my sis-in-law, from my mom and by digging deep into my 10-years-old stock – way back from my own wedding. I did have to make quite a few errands to the local tailor for blouse alternations etc. But boy, am I happy (and proud) to have saved on thousands of bucks. I’d have hated to have splurged on stuff that I’d only wear once a while. All said and done, I’m also happy that I got a chance to dress up elaborately in the traditional Indian way, which I rarely do.
So, was this the sum of all the reasoning behind my blogging sabbatical? Umm..well…there’s something else (and a big one at that) that I’ve been wanting to share with you. Something else that did put a dampener on my writing spirit. You see, the hormones in my body were undergoing a sort-of metamorphosis causing dramatic effect on my mind and energy levels. And, no matter how much I tried fighting the unsettling low, there was no way I could swing it in favour of writing. The hormones – yes folks – the motherhood hormones surging within – due to this newly being taking shape inside me – were relentlessly demanding that I take time off the virtual world and focus on connecting with myself.
So, there I go. I’ve said it. (But hey, no – I wasn’t deliberately building a curtain-raiser up so far! I’m telling you in the flow that I would have if I was having a conversation with you.) So, I’m five-months pregnant now and the journey this far has been a roller coaster. The first three months especially, when I had a tough time fighting nausea and lethargy and sleepiness. I’d wake up to puke, manage to finish the morning chores around house and go back to sleep. Wake up to prepare lunch (with a handkerchief on my nose) and go take a nap. Come evening (and night) and my creative spirits would get alert and acute. I’d want to paint, cook, bake, craft…do anything except touch the laptop. What!
God knows I’ve missed writing and I’ve missed you all, my friends. And yet, however much I tried, I couldn’t bring myself to blogging. I did write a few blog posts but never got around to publishing because I wasn’t inspired enough. I’ve gone completely off social media. I wasn’t into it much anyways but in the last few months I haven’t seen the face of facebook.
I can’t explain this. But, my intuitive side tells me that it’s my baby who’s been guiding me to connect more and more with my soul and its yearning for creativity. I feel, the soul of my kidoo is wanting me to give vent to my innermost creative desires. Pottery. Origami. Cooking. Sewing. You know what, in the first trimester, inspite of being low on energy, I took up tasks (along with Pari) that needed high initiative and energy levels. Both of us took to baking with a gusto. I’ve embraced a brand new hobby – pottery and clay modeling – and am loving it to the core. It’s been a few months now but I am very sure I want to take it all the way through and master this art. Amen. Give me a scrap of paper and I want to make a box, a crown, a flower out of it. Origami is giving me a new high.
Sharing a few pictures here of my clay pots thrown on the wheel. Hope you like to take a peek into my newest passion.
If you ask me how’s my journey been so far on the road to becoming a mother for the second time, I’d say – it’s been about truly being me. As compared to the first time when I was in a high-adrenalin corporate job and a thorough workaholic at that, this time, it’s been about listening to my body, mind and heart. I’m taking the time to sleep when my body’s asking me to; I’m listening to my creative instinct and painting, cooking, baking, meditating with clay on the wheel. I get exhausted sitting at the wheel for hours together, my back aches, but the joy I feel is beyond words. The exhaustion lasts a bit but the calm that I feel lingers for a long time.
Today, I felt the sheer force of words flowing out of me. And hence, I sit down to write. I’ve written this post so far without deleting a line. And, I’m not going to edit and refine etc. I want it all to come from my heart. For that’s how I can reconnect with you all. I hope you’re there for me, my dear readers. Many of you sent me emails and facebook messages to know if I’m doing fine. A heart-felt thank-you to you all. I hope to continue writing, now that I’ve resumed with this post.
I want to share with you my joy, my learnings and the spiritual connection I’ve felt with myself and my baby’s soul – leading upto the next few months. Wish me positive energy and good vibes. :-)